I typically wake up on the “same side of the bed” every day and live my typical mommy/photographer life and do mainly the same things every day. Yes, there are days I wake up on the wrong side of the bed and have those bad days and I will more times than not end up laughing about it because what else can I do. There have been several occasions over the past several years I have woken up on a very spiritual side of the bed and some of them have been good and bad ones I must add. I just knew it on those particular mornings that something felt very off or it needed to be a day to just throw myself out there to make some changes.
Something I have not talked about too much to anyone is one of those mornings a couple of years ago I woke up beyond emotionally and physically exhausted and that deep overwhelming feeling when I woke up unraveled into a deep depression as my day progressed. If you’d known me a back then you would have NEVER known me to be anything other than a great friend and a very positive and fun going gal. I was in my old career back then and wasn’t too happy with it and every second I had away from work I spent with my kids and studied my passion of photography. At that point it was a dream. I would have never let anyone see how hard it was to keep up my SuperMom image either. I’m not sure there was anyone out there who would have thought I was beyond exhausted from keeping on a happy face 24/7. I learned during this time of complete and utter exhaustion and depression that I did not have to be supermom. I am such a co-dependent person that I never gave myself a chance to be me. Boundaries and Me did not exist but everything else did. They have existed over the past couple of years but I’m still not perfect at keeping them. I am better than I was a couple of years ago and very thankful to the best counselor in the world for opening my eyes to not having to live the life I was living and putting so much pressure on myself to be perfect.
I must say that this year has been tough. I have hidden behind some things including my kids and my photography because I knew these were two things that I could 100% count on in my life. In my hiding and throwing myself completely into my business I have let my own personal challenges and goals slip a little. I have been living through my girls and their sports and funny ways. I have absolutely thrown myself in front of my iMac when times have been tough and have edited way too early mornings or way too late into the night because it was the way I chose to hide. It’s worked as far as the hiding out has been concerned but has not made me a completely happy person. Am I miserable?….NO of course not. I have a good life and I have a wonderful family and healthy children. What more could you ask for?
This morning I woke up on a spiritual side of the bed and it was a good side this morning. I had this feeling inside that I did not need to hide from certain things anymore and just come on out and join the world again. Most of all…enjoy myself. So, I dropped my girls off at VBS this morning and already had my gym clothes on and decided I’d go in for a good workout and make the best of my kid-free morning. Got on a machine and literally “kicked my own ass” in the gym how I chose to to do things this morning. It was like I had to work out all that has driven me nuts this year and personally “kick it to the curb” so to speak. Be done with it ALL…well at least most of it. It felt great to push myself until the last 10 minutes. And what I’ve done this year is give up on some things…I almost talked myself into quitting the last 10 minutes of my workout because it’s what I do. Some of you know I am a rocker girl at heart and some of you will laugh and think…what you love rock music. Yes, in fact I love me some rock!!! Yes I do! I LOVE Metallica!!! I rocked out my last 10 minutes this morning to Enter Sandman! Will I be able to walk tomorrow…who knows, but I’ll be there again tomorrow on the same machine whether it hurts or not.
There are some key things that I have always done to express myself when times are tough and they ALWAYS seem to make me feel better. I LOVE to write. Writing makes me feel free. My photography…let’s just say I can get lost in my own photography world and it’s a great escape for me. And then there are my girls…they are my world! Even though from time to time I feel like their personal assistant which I’m working on, (Mimi…inside joke!) their smiles and they way they hug me and smile at me sometimes just melts my heart and I feel so blessed that they are mine. And lastly, I’m a great athlete and used to be an awesome swimmer back in the day. I have a need to conquer something really cool this coming year whether it be a mini triathlon or a race of some sort, who knows…somethings headed my way and I’m certainly going to set a goal in this department. And I have been dreaming of being mentored by a world renowned photographer and have my eyes set on a particular photographer who I have reached out to. I have goals for my photography and my business and want to give back to my clients and I think I can do this through my mentoring opportunity.
Here is a quote that has been stuck in my head since last Thursday. This is on the back of my daughter’s t-shirt from softball camp this past week. This is a quote directly from Kerri Cobb who is the owner of All-American Fast Pitch Softball and is a professional Fast Pitch Softball Instructor.
This amazing woman was the director of my 8 year old daughter’s camp last week. There were a lot of very wonderful female role models in my daughter’s life last week thanks to this camp and I’m pretty damned determined to be the best role model as a mother should be to my own daughters. Don’t get me wrong…if I’ve done anything right this year…it has been being the best mom I can be. Even though my girls are quite spoiled with being waited on hand and foot. It’s who I’ve chosen to be and one of these days they’ll choose their friends over me. What would mean the most, is for them to always remember what a great mom they have and maybe I’ll still be cool enough to take them to get mani’s and pedi’s!